Knuckle games

You know those times when SHE gets you in trouble and then leaves you to tussle it out? I know you know what I’m talking about…you are walking together hand in hand on the street, admiring the birds in the air, whistling some Barry White, occasionally stopping to stare into each others’ eyes, shutting the world out and enjoying it…when GOON comes running, snatches HER bag and disappears the same way he came. Then SHE looks at you, all love/lust/whatever/.you-know-what-I-mean gone. It takes you 2 seconds but you figure it out…you are supposed to give chase. Then you run…aimlessly since GOON is long gone, a phone, make-up kit, 2 forks, 1 spoon, tomato sauce, 3 plates and a spanner richer. (sorry, couldn’t list everything…I have a tingling feeling I left out some things…Tandra, please fill in the blanks…thank you oh so much). You run for 50 meters before giving up. You come back with your best ‘I am so sorry. Bolt had nothing on that GOON. He got lucky. I’d have beaten him to a pulp then handed him over to my buddy Kakooza Mutaale’. SHE looks at you and SHE ‘doesn’t wanna know’. And she doesn’t talk to you for 3 years, 1 month, 2 days…but who’s counting.

How about that time you are out together. Gunter is there too. He is BIG. Real BIG. Big and blazed. (Note to self: That’d make a great song title. Or album title. Heck, we could even make a movie! Big and blazed, out this fall!! It’s blazing baby). Anyway, you are getting comfy on this couch in that corner (you all know that corner, the one you always check to see whether its occupied soon as you enter this place). You get up to dance. Gunter and company totter over and squeeze past you and take the seats. You let them know that you were seated there. They refuse to budge. You do a quick breathalyzer test on them(by reaching for that machine you always carry around and use to test yourself just before EVERY beer). The machine’s not calibrated to tell you how drunk they are. Their stuff is off the meter. You try to talk them out of the seats. They won’t budge. You let them be. SHE insists. Calls them names. They get mad. You get beat.

Another time you are out with HER. Having a great time. GROPPER touches her. You are infuriated. GROPPER looks like the type who shaves with a knife. He also looks the type who carries the said knife around just incase the facial hair grows out of place during the day and he has to do a quickie, i.e shave quickly. He probably uses that knife for other things as well. You picture yourself sounding the Bruce Lee war cry as you do two perfect round kicks that land square on his jaw. He coughs up a tooth as he is hurled backward by the force of your attack. Then the fog clears (perfect round kicks are never complete without fog somewhere) and you are still standing there, trying to figure out what to do. SHE is long gone. SHE took a cab. GROPPER has already done his twisted thing to 3 other people.

This other time you are with HER and…the list goes on. What does one do? What should one do?

What is the best (if any such thing exists) way of getting out of these need-to-stand-up-and-get-counted situations else you are forever de-balled? Personally, I’m getting round to learning tai-chi…okay, I’ve been telling myself that for 4 years now. And I know quite well that the knuckle-way isn’t the best way: preach love nor war. But honestly, GROPPER just gropped HER? Do you sit him down and launch into a monologue of how he is making HER feel bad and how he should be ashamed of himself and ‘What would your mother think?’.

Salim was once getting fresh with this gal at a hang out. A guy comes to him and tells him to get lost. Naturally he’s thinking, ‘Who the F are you? Can’t you see I’m working here?’. The guy gets worked up, starts taking off his watch and folding his sleeves. By this time, he has been joined by about 7 other guys. They all aren’t Ugandan. No sweets guessing where they are from. Hint Hint: They are East African. They lift Salim off the ground. One of them lands a jab on his forehead. He stays calm. “Do you know who I am?” He calmly asks. I know, that statement’s been used quite a bit. The temperature is crazy…he is about to get badly beat. He stays calm.

“I have been getting reports about you guys. You keep causing chaos here.”

They pause just for a bit.

“Do you know what’ll happen if I make this phone call?” he says, reaching for his phone.

Now he has their attention.

“In two seconds, those guys at the gate (pointing to the security personnel) will be here.”

He starts fiddling with his phone. They put him down and start to apologies profusely.

“I am with security and you guys think you can stress me.” Now ‘infuriated’, he’s making the call. They plead with him.

“It was the first time. It will not happen again…”

He ‘forgives’ them and lets them off with a stern warning. He has seen two years since then, and counting.

The knuckle games…how to win them…