We are back…deal with it

We are on holiday. Finally. The term was so long, I could have grown coffee and sold it off. Come to think of it, why didn’t I do that? Oh, I remember; Tim insisted that I could only fit just a few shoots under my bed, and that I wouldn’t make enough money from selling them. The dream killer. But looking at Mr. Muzafalu, he would have paid top dollar for my coffee. The guy’s eyes were always bloodshot. And he dozed while teaching. And half the time, he was talking about chemistry (and making bloodshot eye contact with Annie who sits at the front) yet the dude is a Maths teacher. And when he did get round to Maths, it was always about doing this or that at an angle. He kept saying how he liked different angles. And that he could stay at an angle with anyone, even Rosie (the one who always got high marks), for a long time. He always laughed out loud on saying this. And Rosie giggled. Us, we stared on. Not getting. I still have to get round to asking big bro King what that joke means. I want to laugh too. God knows this term didn’t have much to laugh about, save for that time Kalipo, self-confessed ladies’ man, was slapped by Mutesi. Now that was funny. If you don’t get why it’s funny then you aren’t a guy. If you are a guy then you ain’t straight. Ok, let me explain. I like explaining. It makes me look sharp. The girls like sharp. They giggle when im explaining. Then they write me suggestive notes like ‘How do I answer number 3?” when we are in a test. Oh, I was supposed to explain why Kalipo’s slap was funny. You see, all of us guys secretly envy ladies’ men. All of us straight ones. “And at your age, you know that how?,” I see you asking. Well, it doesn’t take a genius. And I am in no way suggesting that I am one. Wish I were though. Then the notes would become even more suggestive.

“Let’s get together and do some Maths. We could multiply.” I can so see them writing that.

This term? The posho and the beans were not even half the bad part. I had to sit next to a girl! True, she wasn’t Halle. But the uncontrollable sweating just on taking my seat, the sweaty palms, the stutter, the total lack of direction just didn’t do it for me. And it was bad enough that she was a flat…or so Kalipo, our own ladies’ man, said. Rather wrote. He sent her a note. “You are a hot flat.”

She didn’t giggle. Or smile. She replied. And he smiled. I still think the word he was looking for was flirt. But that’s just me. So holidays are here. I have well laid plans.

Plan 1: Go visit Victoria. She replied my mail regularly, but she didn’t use a writing pad. Half the props I had were from receiving mail regularly, the other half were from the look of the mail. Mine usually came on nice pads. What happened this term? I have to investigate. And maybe if she’s alone at home we can…you know. You know….do what we usually do…hold hands, watch Pinocchio, the works…ecstasy…by the way, big bro King usually uses that word to refer to something else. Not sure I want to know

Plan 2: Watch TV. Watch TV. I have missed all the new music videos. 3 months! My God, I now know what it feels like to be B2B. What’s the use of cramming all these new musicians’ names(flo rida, c side, keri hilson, alesha dixon, Kardinal offishall, Jontha Austin…just name-dropping cause I can) if I’m not sure what they look like? Have to sieve; will make it a point to forget all the funny-looking musicians’ names, free some memory in the process…have to leave some memory free for school-work. And family names. We are many.

Plan 3: Get meself some great jeans. The type that look hip and fresh. Hopefully, I’ll find that place Dikula talked about where they sell the jeans in kilos. I need mine heavy. You know, why spend on the gym if I can carry weights around and still look cool? I think they call it killing two kaloli with one stone. Imagine.

Plan 4: Irritate mzee. What is being hormone-filled (as Nalongo, Biology teacher keeps saying) if I’m not going to use the chance. Later when I grow up, I’ll bring joy and grand kids to my parents. But for now, like my pimples, I’m going to be ‘in their face’. Yeah!

Plan 5: Now where can I buy grillz from? Damn Chameleone! I sent the dude fan mail but he still refused to tell me where he got his grills from. I’ve heard the guys in Katwe can do anything…even make spinning rims. Maybe they can make grillz…

Plan 6: Need money for all the above…and for some other things which aren’t really your business. Now, what to do? Tell dad I need yet another textbook? Take a ‘school trip’ to Kasese and then head to Simon’s. But the last time I did that, their dog seemed to want to take a bite…still have to get some money. I wonder why dad doesn’t just work for NSSF…those guys have money eh! So what if dad is an Engineer? I’m sure he can get something there…anything. With that money, even me I feel like quitting school and applying…who knows? Bill Gates quit school and look where he is…true, several others quit when he did and they are now crack addicts living out of dumpsters but me and Bill, we have the same character…and attitude. I googled ‘Bill Gates attitude’ so I know what I’m talking about. I’m told it all comes down to attitude. Crap! So if I stood at the top of a building and jumped, with the right attitude, I’d fly?

Plan 7: Can’t spill all my plans now can I? Ok, truth be told some of them are still in development. They are premature. I’ve heard Big bro King use premature but for something else. Can’t quite remember what…and his friends always laugh when they talk things with that word sprayed in there…Got to run, Teletubbies start in a bit. Carsozy and I always tune in at the same time. Later