Maad skillz

And now ladies and gentlemen, next on stage is someone you all know so well; someone we all love to hate. He can’t sing, but he doesn’t know it and none of his good friends has been kind enough to tell him so. Good friends indeed, coz only such people can stand the stuff he’d like us to believe is music. He stutters, stammers and forgets whole choruses mid-song; his performances have injured so many that behind his back he goes by the stage name Al-Qaeda-don’t let him hear you say it though.

He started out beat-boxing to lingala music in a shack in Kaeiuiuabibdbd. His beat boxing was often scorned, as all poor beat-boxing is. He didn’t give up though. He put aside the fact that he was doing well in class, especially in the topic of reproduction in Biology, and took to the streets of Kaeiuiuabibdbd (had to repeat the name, PR reasons). He hussled, swallowed several Rolexes, lived entire weeks on a few cups of tea. He even occasionally had g-nuts when cousin Grunch visited. He considered taking on drug dealing, or selling coke, the trade that had shaped the musical careers of all his predecessors. He’d watched interview after interview prepping for his moment; ALL the stories sounded the same; the singer started out in a church choir, turned down sexual advances from the burly choir leader, took to the streets, sold the aforementioned coke, picked up and read a scrap of paper that Mase threw away as he walked out of bad boys studios on being told to stick to singing choruses, went to bad boy studios and approached Daddy-or Diddy, asked on bended knee for an audition and then….this bit of the story varies from individual to individual; those with voices, Daddy had given them directions to a nice church choir with Amy Whinehouse as the choir leader. Those without voices, Daddy took under his wings, gave them coke and a mic (in that order) and directed them to room 7 of bad boys studios. For the uninitiated, room 7 is where Goooga resides; Goooga is the resident bad boys lyricist. He sits around all day getting high on mairunji and making tweaks to ‘The Template’. ‘The Template’ is the standard set of lyrics for any song from Bad boys studios. Goooga just has to make tweaks every so often so that another hit can hit the streets.

Back to our artist that you are all waiting for; the guy going to somersault onto stage and give you a performance that’ll make you wet your pants (for those of you who went through the trouble to put on some); the guy who’s intro is longer than his performance; the guy who did a stint in a mental asylum but got let out for good behavior; the guy who knew he couldn’t sing so he stuck to rap, looking down on all the others like him who can’t sing-the rock stars. His tale of bravery, stupidity, listening to garbage, doing time and all things in-between has shaped a hardcore rapper. He now boasts of having a number of hits to his name, his most recent being ‘You know you love me grandmother’ in which he gloats about the same things he gloats about in all his other songs; academics, sports and politics. Oh, and a flash of astronomy. People, put your hands together for……(drum roll…lingala beat-boxing…spotlight hits a shadowy figure in a hood, walking with a limp…)…S…L…E…E…K…!!!