Identity crisis

I am a tired of being ordinary. I have had it with having to introduce myself. I want to be able to walk into any place and everyone goes, “Hi Sleek”, and act all excited and start bustling about as though they are doing something more important than thinking about their next secret meeting with HER. I am fed up of the conductor not asking me if I have change when he has a 50k note and only turning to me for change when its 500/=. And the whole going to a shop and they cater to EVERYONE else before finally getting round to me…I have just about had it. After hours of intensive research that involved quite a bit of sweating (don’t ask), I landed on a resource. www.gain-bad-man-status-without-weed-or-dreads.com. The thing spoke directly to me. I now have several options splayed out before me:

1. Join the mafia. No, I’m not talking about the shady outfit the vice president was talking about sometime. The type that stalk you and take pictures of your pigs. The perverts! What do they want with pigs eh? Even when you have skimpily dressed young hoochie mamas running around your swimming pool, beating a beach ball around, playing loud music, wearing shades and occasionally saying sexist things. Hullo!! Take photos of the hoochie mamas, they are of foreign descent and have no passports and are seeking refugee status in certain parts of my house…(evil grin)

I am talking about THE REAL DEAL mafioso. I’ve heard all the stories about them; You know, stories like the one about how these guys are so bad, you break-out in a sweat on just hearing the name of the mafia lord. Word has it the dude once slapped a pig and it died. But Carsozy, seriously, where do you get these stories? With the mafia behind me, everyone would think twice before looking down on me…

2. Get some bling. Real heavy hard-to-ignore, IN-YOUR-FACE bling. The kind that weighs you down. This kind has the twin functions of allowing you to stand out while also building your muscles. Nice. We’ve come a long way since sliced bread

3. Dye the hair. The trick would be finding a color that complements my dark complexion…red, or white? Braiding the goatee wouldn’t be so bad…

4. Get a Taliban look complete with shifty eyes, a foreign accent and the right attire. No, I’m not stereotyping. All I have to do is grow the beard, dress the part, sit in ANY taxi, plug in me iPod phones and spontaneously break into Arabic rap, singing along word after word, with proper intonation, bobbing my head and occasionally saying ‘This shizzo is the bomb!’

5. Get meself a pot belly. Emrys’ where was that pork joint? May need to start the ‘Pot Belly or die’ regime. And no pot belly is complete without trousers hitched high on it; preferably trousers that stretch to somewhere between the shin and ankles…Nevender will hook me up there, word about his stock is all over blogville

6. Become a local artist. Need to get me a name. These rap battles have left me musically exposed…now for a stage name. Sleek just doesn’t cut it for the local scene; I need something with some razzmatazz, and imagery that doesn’t leave you guessing. Something along the lines of ‘Good singer’ but with more oomph. Ladies and gentlemen, I present, Good singer!!!

I need a producer, a hot female willing to work long hours talking, walking and thinking music…and then some. Yes, ‘and then some’ will be typed into the job contract. In the appropriate small print. Ms producer, music will not only be made in the studio, we could make it elsewhere…(wink wink)…I don’t think they’ll allow me to leave the ‘wink wink’ in the contract. Any takers? Producer anyone? Ug girl, you are out; distance issues. But there’s this site under construction that’ll bridge the distance, no, not FB. Apr9? (It’s been a while. Send me mail eh? Ok). Lulu? (Reply my mail eh?). Heaven? (stimulating texts will get you head and shoulders above the rest…big hint)…btw, Tandra, what happened to that site? I’d also like to send my shouts out to my parents, I love you oh so much…

Anyone faced with a decision as hard as mine would take time off to contemplate. I’m still weighing my options…y’all will be the first to know which of the above six thingies I’ll take on…

In other equally stimulating news, the whispers are being given a new breath of air freshener and will be with you in not too long…XXX, out with the porn, in with the whispers coz u are next…(serious face)