Demo affairs

Today, I watched what had been reported to be a big ‘peaceful demonstration’. We all know how ‘peaceful demonstrations’ play out. Let’s not kid anyone, Ghandi has been gone way too long and in that time, that phrase has taken on a whole new meaning. I watched the FDC demo today; guy in suit screaming his lungs out, followed by a massive crowd of five people. The guy was sweating, making noise, pointing at the cameras (which were following him around…Hot chic carrying one of the cameras…the media has really come of age. Hot chic in nice suit bringing us the story live-yes Princess, that ‘live’ you are thinking). I was perched far enough for my boss not to notice that I was away from work on a comedy break, but close enough to see the veins in the demo guy’s face…well, what was the ‘demo’ about in the first place? The party, FDC, was against (and probably still is against) the re-appointment of the old electoral commission. Yawwnn!! I know, I know…so they sat and thought it:

Text from FDC top-dawg to second dawg: Hey man, why don’t we do a demo man?

Second dawg: But Top-dawg, the last demo we did, that Dr. Dre didn’t even listen to it!!(pissed off, veins in his neck showing, ALL his body hair standing…ALL of it)

Top-dawg: No dwansy! Why do you think like you haven’t gotten any in years eh? I am not talking about sending those guys another demo tape on why we think we should rule…but you must admit, my rendition on ‘If I ruled Ug’ gave Nas gooseblisters. But I mean let’s stage a demo on Kla streets dawg

Second dawg: (Still wondering how all that coulda fitted in a text message. Another text comes in..twit twiit twit twiitt)

Top-dawg: And stop wondering how I did it men! Get on the demo pronto

So second dawg sheds his sweat shirt and oversize trousers, reaches for his suit, takes a shower, puts on deo, get a hair cut, calls his wife and says she is the best mom to his kids, calls the girl on the side and says that he loves her and promises her some…money, calls housie and promises her some too…and then he hits the streets. Oh, he also calls the press and promises them, “There will be FIRE tomorrow”. He translates that just in case intellectuals are listening in.

“Tuta kuwa na moto kesho”… “Klang keng kung “…and in the spirit of tribalism, he translates to as many as he can.

TOMORROW: He has the demo manuals with him; The Ghandi edition, in which some pages which involved sitting down and waiting for people to notice, were torn out and the revised edition which involves sitting down only if you are caught…sitting down and screaming like your mojo just got bit by a snake. The revised edition actually has a picture to illustrate what a snake can do to mojo…click here to view.

DEMO TIME: Among other things, the manual recommends that you have some water stashed in your suit. In a polythene bag. Or bottle. This’ll come in handy when the tear gas pours. Also, gather as big a crowd as u can. Call them relatives from the mental hospital. Okay, they have no phones but get them there. Family support is important. Let loose the chicken, lure the rats out…the goats won’t need coaxing, they love sweaty crowds. Now always stand in the middle of the crowd; that way you always escape unhurt. But at all times, keep the crowd charged…

You: We hate this…

Crowd: Yeeesss…

You: And we hate that…

Crowd: (murmurs, fingers pointing…)

You: I meant we really reaaally hate this…

Crowd: Yeeessss….

Lastly, when things get tight and you notice them popos closing in on you, hating on your popularity, killing your chances of becoming the next top-dawg, take a lesson from a possum: Hit the ground and play dead.