Office virgin

Ahhh, Mike…there you are. Thought you’d be taller…and better looking. But hey, you don’t look as bad as the office gossips painted you…come here, come here. First day at work eh! Excited? Excited? No? Yes? Do you speak English? Why are you just standing there? Come over…I am Boddo, though most of the ladies here just call me ‘Munene’, still not sure why…Boddo? Yes, it’s my real name. You see, my old man was a fisherman and he loved to catch fish. Fishermen usually love to catch fish. So one time, he was lost at lake for many days. To stay sane, if he ever was sane to start with-bless his soul, he caught fish. There is this fish he caught and it talked to him. They became friends. He shared with it life’s issues as a man. It shared with him life’s frustrations as a fish. For one, it had big issues with how it mated. I mean, how was it supposed to have fun if all it did was ejaculate on its woman’s eggs? Ahhh, the frustrations. So they vented and vented and vented and…you get the picture. And that’s how I got the name Boddo. You do not see the connection? Well, the fish was a king in its world, and its name was Boddo. How do I feel being named after a fish? Mike, what kind of hurtful question is that? Anyway, we ate the fish right after it directed my old man back to shore. He later wrote a book about it. Old man and the sea. What do you mean that was written by Ernest? Mike, you are young and you do not know these things…but I’ll have you know that Ernest is a master wordsmith at New Vision.

Come, let me show you around. Don’t you have any ties that match your shirts? Polka dots are kinda off you know. And those trousers seem too tight. I am sure it’s hard to look professional in them. You know you are the office virgin for a while now, so you’ve got to look the part. I have been with this company ten years now. That’s since its inception man. I know everything. Why am I still a receptionist? Life’s calling I guess…now that over there is Kingo. He talks to himself a lot. Sometimes he randomly hits his head on walls, just…he says it helps him quiet the voices in there. And the ladies love him…because of the voices, he is always doing something, and the ladies love someone always doing something…

Oh, that over there, talking rather loudly on phone, is Dina. She’s very seductive that one…we have a prize for anyone who can put off getting with her the longest…I almost got that money. I lasted three hours man, three hours! And then she did this thing with her waist and…and…I don’t quite remember the rest. That Dina…(misty eyes…)
Zonto is that dude staring longingly at that Keri Hilson photo on his desk. He says he’ll marry her. As if. His routine is weird…he stares at a photo of a hot chic for a long time, then he is off to the men’s room; you won’t see him for about 30 minutes…then he comes back smiling. Beats me what that is about…

Ahhhh, meet the office gossip managers. Those three hunched over there, drawing graphs on a paper and trying to solve that Mendelev equation, that is the office gossip machinery. They are currently trying to figure out who was the last person to sleep with Dina. Those three girls will spread gossip about anything…yes, anything. They once made us believe that one of them had won a Nobel prize for etiquette or some crap like that. Turns out she had a prize, a noble prize in an eating competition…the gossips.

That guy on phone is Kafiya. We think his name is a derivative of mafia. He is always ‘banging deals’. He is our in-house deal-banger. He can get you anything. One time, he brought a space shuttle fuel tank to work. He explained to me that his business in narcotics is flourishing because the government thinks he is building a space shuttle. They plan to finance his ‘space exploration project’. I’m not sure who’s crazier; the government or him.

That’s funky janitor. That’s one janitor who cannot clean. But he loves his music. He never takes off those head phones. You’ll find him doing that caterpillar dance move on the poorly cleaned floors after work…

Oh, and some company policy. Never speak to the boss directly. Never look him in the eye. Don’t take more than one glass of water a day from that water dispenser. And company lunch consists of, but is not limited to, pancakes and the aforementioned glass of water. Come late and you’ll get cained. Not by the boss. By Bindu, that beefy guy in the corner. That’s his work.