Monday Massacres: Ad vitriol

The massacres are proudly brought to you by:

A message from our sponsor: This dude kicks ass. Badly. And it is times like these, when we are preparing for those 2010 soccer games that we so ably injected moola into, it is times like these that we need someone like this dude for our brand. Because he kicks ass. In a good way. Queers also kick ass in their own way. This guy, he is different. We fully support his things. We are in talks to have him change that template colour to something more friendly to the eye, like yellow for example. Good riddance.

A word from the mascara (one who commits massacres): Thanks man, love the intro. Though I think you meant good reading, not good riddance.

Sponsor: Do you want our money or not?

Mascara: Dude, if you have g-nut husks stuck between your teeth, i’ll point it out…

Sponsor: If you do not mind, I have a meeting to get to…i wrote the crap you asked me for.

Mascara: (rolls eyes and storms out…hits on the secretary as he leaves, just for just)

Ladies, gentlemen and that sod seated at the back there, yes you, Dikula…don’t duck. Yes, Dikula, you who has refused to pay me that money I lent you…it’s now a year, 3 days, 6 hours, 5 minutes, I want that money! Yes, ladies, gentlemen, Dikula and anyone I may somehow fail to mention, I have led this organization for 4 years now; 4 years of hard work, long hours at work with my extremely attractive secretary; I will not say those nights weren’t tempting…(sigh) but brothers and sisters, I stand before you to say that I am proud to have led the fight against weak adverts (raises hand, punches the air thrice, jumping each time, the third punch hits a glass out of place)…(glass breaks, silence, sniggers…)

Ahem, sorry about that. I tend to get passionate about weak adverts. Those adverts have kept me awake many a night, wondering if anyone was actually paid for that crap. Someone spent years in school, probably has people who look up to him, he has someone he copulates with, he actually eats normal food, he is paid to come up with an advert and then…(trails off, reaches for his hanky, sheds a manly tear, coughs…long silence…unease in the room)

I have fought people. We cannot let these…these…(face screwed up in agony)…get away with such adverts. We need to take them on. They should know that we mean business. The National Organization Against Bad Adverts means business. NOABA has an agenda, they better be scared. We have papers signed by the Mayor. He too knows. He knows that our people are being fed crap. He feels the pain. I have a text from him here: (raises fancy i-phone)…you in a polo-neck, Sanya is it? Sitaniya? Eh, same thing…read this text out

“I is feeling the pain you having talked abawut.”

You see people? Our pain is being felt. (cheer…cheer…waves to quiet the rising frenzy. Turns out a hen had run into the meeting room and knocked over someone at the back)…(Dikula, chief whip, throws the hen out).

Dear members, and you young lady at the front…you are so pretty. What is your name? Eh? Sunda? What a lovely name. Like the owner. What’s your phone number? Are you seeing anyone? Eh? Nice…I’ll call you. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, mouths to feed are increasing by the second. Or even faster. Products to feed these mouths are also increasing very very fast. So ways to sell these products to those mouths mentioned earlier are playing catch-up. That there is a problem statement. The powers that be are trying to sell us their stuff at all costs. Even if it means going overboard. The latest ads for an internationally popular soft drink clearly state: (raising his voice)

“Meal time is coke time”…(gasps, awe among the members)

Can you imagine? Can you imagine? They have the audacity to sell us that double-edged moral decay? On one hand they are promoting Amy Whinehouse who said she splits her coke into 3 neat heaps: breakfast, lunch and supper. On the other even more grave hand, they are promoting…(trails off, voice lowers to a whisper)..Can u imagine? They want us to have a coke for lunch. Disgusting. Even brothels wouldn’t swallow that message. These guys want to promote what pervs refer to as quickies. This insight I got from Hoody, our resident perv. He helps us get into the minds of these foxes. Hoody, raise your hand. Ahh, there you are.

And then there is this other ad about how this girl met her man at a shopping mall. I feel like reaching into the radio, pulling the three girls by their hair pieces out, delivering one slap to free them from their fake accents, another slap to let them know that they should never have allowed to be part of that advert, another slap to make them return the money they were paid to humiliate themselves, and a fourth slap for all the people who know them…

But alas brothers, sisters, dishonest Dikula and this hot Sunda lady seated here at the front, I have to let go of my seat. I have loved leading NOABA. You have all loved me, in different ways and for some, on different nights. Once, two of you loved me on the same night. I thank you all for your support. I have to hand over power. The ads I have a bone to pick with are many, but time has saved their asses; my four years end here. As someone I know would say, till next time, easy does it. (cheers…some tears)