Monday Massacres: After the rain

My heart goes out to everyone who lost loved ones and property in the recent fracas. A private tangle spilled-over into our streets and caused pain, more pain than even the cameras could capture. That workmate, brother, sister…even you have a story. May God see you through…

My beef goes to Sanyu FM, usually the only station stuck-up me listens to for continuing normal transmission as though the streets outside their office weren’t war zones…I was at home, stationed under my bed throughout the saga, only coming out for fresh air and a glass of water…and radio was my only source of info, plus the occasional steamy message from ‘loved ones’. Metro FM and all those other stations I tuned into during my plight, thank you for the updates…good broadcasting if you ask me.

Now onto the massacres…good reading.

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Junior…juuuniiiooorrr! Where is this young man when I so badly need a glass of water? My throat is not what it used to be…(cough…cough)…juuunnniorr! Ah, there you are…running around the compound. Young man, would you want to see your granddad pass out because of thirst? Get me a glass of water…

Kids! In our day they sent you for water you’d have to come back with a full jerry can. Come sit here. Tell me about school.

You what? Your class spanked your teacher for coming late! Ehe…things have changed. In my day teachers spanked us…I see unbelief written all over your face. Honestly, teachers cained us…have you made any progress with Anita at school? Or you shy shy boy. Lemme give you a few tips..in my day, I was called Don Juan. There are books about me.

First of all, that girl, buy her vegetation. Girls like flowers. And pink dresses. And chocolate. And chapatti. And lollipops. Oh the lollipops. You know in my day we had this hulk of a man who people called a singer. He sang a whole song about taking girls to a candy shop. Grown girls moreover. And he talked about letting the girls lick lollipops. And the song was liked so much, especially by girls. I think it’s because he was giving a voice to their heart’s desires…lollipops. You know I once wanted to open up a candy shop. Called Lollycious. I’d have so much bait, lollipops, the girls would be following me around. Calling me sugar daddy. Lolly love. Sugar mac. I’d become a Casanova. You have a boy at your school called Casanova? Eh! Poor boy…and he is a geek? Seriously, Casanova the geek…

Follow that girl around. If she stops to talk to any boy, look him straight in the eye and ask him who he thinks he is. Then ask him if he knows who you are. Stamp your foot and start rolling-up your sleeves. Spit on the ground and draw a line in the dust. Tell him that if he knows what’s good for his growth and well-being as a child, he shouldn’t cross the line. Let out a deep guttural scream. Aiiiyyaahhhh! Grrrrrr! And take on the praying mantis stance…

If she stops to talk to a girl, say hi to the girl. And wink at her. And tell her that you like her hair. And her foreign accent. And the grace with which she saunters. And say that her beauty and wit have you so enthralled, your heart is pounding as fast as that of a rabbit just before orgasm. Ah! What did I just say? Forget that last statement, don’t tell her that! That was a line I gave to your dad, it’s much too advanced for your age…this will stir envy. Good relationships are built on envy…

Another thing grandson, girls love numbers. In our day, you’d call a girl on a date and she’d come with three friends. Ugly friends I tell you. Simply because girls like numbers. So on your first date, go with two friends. Just to help you out with the bill and for those odd times when you fail to find what to say to her.

Another quick one. Tell her you want to take it to the next level. Insist on meeting her parents. Especially her father. When you finally meet him, hug him and tell him that he is the father you never had.

If she ever asks you anything about another girl, even before she finishes what she is saying, these are the acceptable answers:

1. It wasn’t me
2. She’s my cousin/she’s just a friend depending on how much you resemble the girl in question

After any of the above two, it is standard procedure to storm off angry. Make sure that as you walk away, you count from one to five and then turn around and ask her, rather loudly, “How could you believe those whores over me?” and then shed a manly tear. You do not know what a manly tear is? Ah, grandson, you shame the Sleek legacy…your great-great-great grandfather, Sleek, right after saving the world from the cavernous morally-corrupt orb it had become, he invented the manly tear…used in times of extreme anguish. Only in times of extreme anguish. Such as when a rabid dog has bitten into your ass. Or when you’ve been hit in the balls by a fast-moving object.

Now get me that glass of water. Ran along now. My voice is starting to crackle…you know I was quite a singing sensation in my day? Ahh, how would you know…I used to bring the house down young man. Get me that water and I’ll tell you all about it…