Monday Massacres: Murder she wrote

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The tabloid was excited by the innuendo in this piece. They assigned snoops to aid in obtaining info towards completion of this work. The stuff that follows has some scenes that shouldn’t be read by our young audience. Ug girl, yes you.

She was the hottest belle in the village. She had been giving guys hard-ons ever since her stuff bloomed. Ever since her bossom blossomed. When she sashayed down the overgrown village paths, the birds fell out of trees from staring too much. When she went to the well, the other girls walked off in frustration. When she looked at her reflection in the water, she had to say hi to the beauty on the other side.

Then she ‘discovered’ guys. And she started getting with them. First a little little. Then in plenty. She got with quite a number of guys. Her skills, and yes, her thrills were legendary. First she got with a Dark Knight. Then she hit the streets and did it with a streetguy. Then she lost the plot, or kinda gained it. She got with a number of girls…This tame girl was now officially high-rolling, high-flying, big-pimping…complete with a ka Jay-Z track to bob to. She got with royalty, and then somehow, at her lowest moment, she went to a rented mess and hit that. And when she discovered that she could do better, she did…and went out and got with Sleek. Ahh, the twists I put to that belle…the turns, the groans, the…(Red Pepper staff now cheering me on, begging me to give Hyena the keyboard…I turn down Hyena, tell him only pros type here…he heads to the bush, head hung low, Red Pepper staff following  closely behind)..Yes, the twists I put to that belle. A number of lovers later, she ended up with a one Buzz. Word has it he hasn’t given the belle any action in…let’s do the maths together:

The belle got with Lucy on 7th August, here: Your Lucy

And the Buzz was her next conquest. She burst into his room, or rather her bust was in the room, no, she burst into the room and bared all. The Buzz looked up from his keyboard, reached for his glass of super dip, took a sip and went back to typing. She sat close enough for him to hear her every blink and she was so sure it wouldn’t be long before he gave her some action. 6 weeks and no action. 6 weeks!! I think she’s quit contemplating cheating, she’s now thinking suicidal thoughts, thinking “Oh, the joys and thrills of my youth pass me by as this man who loves me not goes about his life…crap! Lemme call up that dude who gave me some good action”. She’s since been sending me dedications on radio, insisting ‘let’s do it again’. She can’t be serious this chic, she should also have some pride…me I moved on. Has she not seen Keri H and I hanging out eh?

Red Pepper snoops though picked up some intel about the said Buzz. A very guarded fellow, he tends to move only at night, with shades, a hood, and a cap. And he has a cigar that never leaves his lips. And he stutters quite a bit. He is said to have attempted to quit his job not so long ago but he stuttered his chance away. The attempted quitter has a thing for living on the edge, and if you look closely you’ll notice that his house is on a cliff. Wildly popular in his formative years, he got tired of the limelight and withdrew; he occasionally comes out when prodded. Prodded a lot. But he does do magic on that keyboard of his. When he is sober. Here’s the pic the snoops managed to get of his housemate.

Smiley chap. The smiles hide the housemate’s dark past. And even darker present.  The drug lord is not just a big drinker, he also owns a string of brothels. When working on this article, I pushed the Red Pepper snoops for more photos of this housemate. I wanted proof of his dogging habits. By press time, the snoops hadn’t returned. This is an appeal for their release. Do the right thing.