Monday Massacres:Aló Presidente

Due to the political nature of this post, all the sponsors cowered in fear. They tossed me around till I finally got it. Listen here wussies, if you do not wanna throw your dollars my way, please let me know. Do not let me sit at your reception for all those hours, sipping water, making steamy conversation with your very attractive receptionist, getting her number, inviting her to my place, then proceeding to…Anyway, let’s set this bollo rolling. This massacre is as political as it is intellectual. To this end, here’s some background straight from the wickedest source of intarekcho info: Wikipedia.

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Aló Presidente (English: Hello President) is a talk show hosted by Venezuelan President Hugo Chávez which is broadcast on Venezuelan state television and radio stations every Sunday at 11:00 AM.

It features Chávez addressing topics of the day and touring locations where government social welfare programs are active. There is no official end time — the show continues until Chávez is ready to stop,and often lasts about five hours.

Government ministers are required to attend the program. They may be questioned by the president about anything, and sometimes policy — even military plans — are made on the show. During the March 2, 2008 airing, Chávez ordered a top general to send ten battalions of troops to the border with Colombia…

The president counts former Cuban leader Fidel Castro among his heroes, and nearly every week asks “How are you, Fidel?” For unknown reasons, the greeting is normally in English.^…

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Now seeing as most of you do not have Venezuela TV, I braved all the odds, broke all the rules, and got you guys a snippet of the show.

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Hey hey hey people…this is your beloved president, numero uno, the cock of the country…the one at the top, the one who makes countries shudder…call me Chavvy. On the talk show today we’ll talk about the American dream and how it impacts Venezuela. Live in the studio we have senorita Mariella, reigning Miss Venezuela. Pretty isn’t she. Aaaah Mariella, tell me, what do you think of the American dream?

Mariella: El Presidente, I think that…

Chavvy: Hey Mariella, call me Chavvy…after all, this is a talk show…

Mariella: Si El Presidente…I mean, Chavvy. I like ze American dream. It makes me turn in me bed at night. I wake sweating. Zat dream, it is sweet. It is nice. I dream of Denzel, zat American in zat movie about guns. Also, I dream of ze oza American, Sleek…he too give me sleepless American dream.

Enrique Iglesias: Sweerie, I do not think that’s the kind of dream El Presidente was asking about. He was referring to…

Chavvy: Oh, sorry viewers and listeners, also in the studio we have singer, song writer, not-really-Venezuelan but he’ll have to do…it was either him or Fat Joe and we chose him…Erique Iglassias.

Enrique Iglesias: El Presidente, it is Enrique Iglesias

Chavvy: Yes, Erique…now our phone lines are open. Please viewers, call us on that number on your screen. For those who cannot read, we have had free education for quite a while now so shame on you. Call the number dear beloved citizens…Oh, I think we have a caller on the line…Hullo caller

Caller: (ruffling noise…then bleating…)

Chavvy: Hullo caller?

Caller:  (More intense bleating…)

Chavvy: People, we have warned you about staying with livestock indoors. And giving them phone access. Anyone found giving animals phone access will be jailed. Do we have another caller? No? Ok, Erique, much as we are discussing the American dream, tell us about Kournikova. What happened?

Enrique Iglesias: Maybe I should start by telling you all about my new song that’s set to hit the air soon. Init I feature…

Chavvy: Also on the show we have Manyata Perez, our biggest film export to Hollywood. He found Vollywood too small for his thing so he buggered off to eat greener pasture. You may remember Perez for his roles in Hollywood hits like “Honey I ate the popcorn”, “Grandma gets her groove back” and “Let’s copulate”. That last movie had some really incisive takes on the moral high ground that philosophers are usually given in society. “Let’s copulate” really put them in their place.