Monday Massacres: Manly things

Wagwan. We dig this guy’s stuff. Big tings a gwan. And we proudly bring it to you. And yes, we hope you are ready for the marathon.

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There I was, dancing the internet. I know, I know, plagiarism…sue me. So, I was dancing, like the real rigorous stuff you do soon as your boss is convinced that you aren’t chatting up that hot new intern…having exhausted my usual haunts, the online sources of most of my guilty pleasures, I came across this site listing 100 things that every man should be able to do. The site alleges that one’s level of ‘manliness’ is judged by how many of the 100 things that one can do; I think we can safely assume that if you have read this far, you are on the edge of your seat, grabbing your balls, waiting for me to give you the run-down of the 100 things that make you a man. And yes, (sob sob) this post is very sexist…I recommend that the ladies stop here, get a guy they trust to tell them the rest of the tale. Yes Savvy, even you….Listed here are just some of the things on the list that caught my eye…I took the liberty to add some personal thoughts on the items. Every man should be able to:

1. Handle a blowout
I’ve read this time and time again and I always see ‘handle a blowjob’…my bad. But for what it worth, I think every man can handle that…psssh! Blowout? So easy…

6. Conquer an off-road obstacle
Like an irate gun-wielding toothless old woman charging at your car with the vengeance of two armies of undesexed, overworked mice

9. Jump start a car
I hope they do not expect you to push the car and then start it, all on your own…

13. Escape a sinking car
…jump nigger, jump!! Oh, and swim nigger, swim!!…you’ll gulp vast amounts of water but hey, don’t sweat it…cos u can’t sweat it. Get it? You can’t sweat it…okay, I know, this is no time to be making lame jokes …serious face back on

10. Perform the Heimlich
Is that some form of dance? Okay, seriously it is actually an important skill to have…but honestly with a name like that, who’d want to learn it? Anyone? Okay, I see Normzo at the back there frantically waving his hands…
Great skill this one, especially if SHE chokes on a bone from that very expensive meal at that hoity toity restaurant while you are doing the Maths, trying to figure out how you are going to ask her to split the bill…Then she chokes…Thank God!!! Do the Heimlich and ‘escort her to a clinic’…If some lady missed the stern warning above and is still reading this, if you truly love your man, learn how to act ‘choky’, save the guy…

11. Reverse hypothermia
Hold her close, rub her up and down till you feel the heat coming on

12. Perform hands-only CPR
At www.CPR-in-minutes.com, a testimonial from one of their alumni:
“Dude, you better not pass off a chance to touch boob. Learn CPR today.”

16. Put out a fire
Woman, I know you are burning with desire for me, but it’s Nabweteme that I truly love…if that doesn’t put out the fire, nothing will

17. Home brew beer
That’s tricky…why would one want to home-brew? Go to the bar

26. Replace a faucet washer
(snigger snigger)…what is that?

27. Mix concrete
B2B has all the tips here

28. Paint a straight line
This is prolly a sobriety test
54. Shoot straight
And no shooting blanks…

73. Tie a necktie
T-shirts don’t need those…

101. Read Sleek and Wild
Ahhh, finally something I can relate to…