Sleek and Wild

Monday massacres: In the beginning

This insured stuff is brought to you by:

You know we were the high-and-mighty AIG? We sneezed and others got fleas; we ate meals for the high-and-mighty, others went without food…Now, well now we are Chartis. And we support this guy’s intellectual jabber. Infact, we should insure his stuff. Riri’s legs went for about a mili, so with this guys hand, the one the types with, we outta insure that…

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We usually scratch our heads as to where mosta the stuff we see girls doing comes from. Years of research and listening to grumblings of old men has brought me certain insights. Put down that Vimto of yours, let’s explore.

As men, from when we first opened our eyes to the world as shrieking babies, we were taught to respect women.  As we grew older, never were we allowed to beat up girls-even when she was six foot four and doing primary 3 for her fourth time. If you, puny as you were, were found tussling it out with her, you would be punished for beating up a ‘girl.’ There is a gross misuse of the word ‘girl’ in that case. It got worse. The girls would recognize their status and start to enjoy it. They would actually grow into the role. This explains why whenever you’d do anything even mildly unpleasant, like fart in class for example, she’d tell you “I am going to report you to the teacher.”(Actually, she’d say it four or five times in rapid succession for full effect.) Fearing and trembling, you’d offer some amenities-like your break money. That is how the concept of guy sacrificing money and going hungry while girl uses that money to go do her hair arose. Only that in primary three, girls had no hair to spend on so they’d buy their Barbie doll some more accessories, like eye pencil.

In primary three, the boy-girls divide was very pronounced. The sexes were at war on all fronts. On the academic front, those who happened to be in a class where a girl topped at the end of the term will attest to the fact that that is how women emancipation started; other girls realized that a girl could actually beat a boy in something so they thought, “Hey, we can do this!”. To maintain their lead, one girl would willingly tutor another girl and after the tutoring, conversation would stray to other topics. That is how the concept of gossiping started; it arose from the pursuit of academic excellence. The girls wanted to lead in class, so they ‘coached’ each other and then talked about other things afterwards.

When they were not at war with the boys, the girls in primary three were being very inquisitive. Being inquisitive is a very good thing. However, it had, and still has, its downsides. It puts individuals in a tight spot. Many of the questions that arise from being inquisitive leave one wondering, “Now, how on earth am I supposed to answer that question?” Questions like, “Mummy, what were those sounds I heard dad make last night?”(This asked while you and a visitor are having tea). This trait does not die, it stays alive. Later in life, the girls bring forth questions like, “Do you love me?”, “What do you feel about me?”, “Do I look fat?”, and “Is she hotter than I am?” Now you know how the concept of asking strange question arose.

In secondary school, some students would couple up. More often than not, the two would be in different schools. Girl X in school X (work with me here) would know that at this stage in life, her boyfriend boy Y in school Y would be experiencing a lot of hormonal changes in his body so she would ask about him from her O.G, who happened to be in his school. The young man’s every movement would be watched by that spy. When he sneezed, Girl X would get to know. When he coughed, she’d know. When he took a dump for too long, still she’d know. Now, when he talked to other girls, even merely asking for a pencil and rubber, she would get to know and write to him asking him to “avoid other girls and be faithful.” That is how the concept of girls keeping tabs on guys arose. Today, our every movement is watched. Text messaging instantly informs “the only mosquito in your net, the light of your life” that you are wearing a lime green shirt with turquoise trousers and that you are in a restaurant with an unknown female doing justice to poultry (read chicken) and fermented vegetation(read beer). The text also suggests that you are not really paying that much attention to the roasted poultry in front of you.

Still in secondary school, when the two of you start to exchange mail, you foresee the embarrassment on your girlfriend’s face when she opens her mail to show off to all who care to see and she finds that you write like a tipsy three year old. You employ a good friend to coin the phrases that will work your way deeper into the heart of your darling. One time during holidays, you go along with that good friend so that he can meet the owner of the heart you are terrorizing. They get along and you are glad. Some time later, the two start to exchange mail. Girlfriend recognizes the handwriting, puts two and two together and throws you out very very fast. Yes, like Bolt. That is how the concept of girl falling for your best friend arose; that handwriting man. You gotta type your mail man, type it.

This particular trait’s origin is an open secret. Early in life, girl chances upon her older sister’s copy of Peter and Jane. Reading through it, she likes the content and her thirst for literature is born. As time goes by, she grows weary of the Peter and Jane. She now reaches under her sister’s pillow for that tattered copy of Mills and Boon .The copy is tattered because it’s been read way too much and it is under the pillow for reading religiously before bedtime. The girl gets her first lessons in love. These lessons are replayed out word for word on TV, in movies, on radio, and in all soaps, Spanish, Mexican, Arabic, Hindu, all of em; roles. Same script, different crap they say. With that background, who can blame a girl for expecting a knight in shining amour? Well, this is the origin of the expectation that a guy should be out-of-this-world, romantic, caring, loving, extremely handsome, … (fill in the blanks till you start yawning).

“So, what about the ‘pay for dinner mentality’, how did that arise?” I see you ask enthusiastically. “Some other time,” is my reply. “What about the ‘he has many women but I can change him’ concept?” you ask again. “Some other time,” again I reply. “Well, what about…?” you ask. “Another day,” I interrupt you, not letting you finish. “Another day man.”

   November 9th, 2009    Monday Massacres...Bollocks