Monday massacres: 007

This stuff is brought to you by:

We make coke, so we like cocky. And this guy here is cocky, even cokey. Also, we brought the world cup to your country yesterday; Be excited, be very excited; that’s as much ‘world cup glory’ as you guys will ever get. Mean, but true… So if you didn’t hit it off with that cup yesterday (which is coke bottle shaped, by the way), content yourself with seeing the belle on TV. And that belle, she’s HEAVY…notice our top dawg strain under her voluptuousness.

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Time: 1400hrs

Location: Hot hot beach

On location: Hot hot mamas, speaking excitedly, all trying to get main actor’s attention

Main actor: Sleek

Main actor profile: Born and bred for the military, did a jig in ‘Nam before joining a very secret organization; The strapping lad went on to live a very secret life, occasionally coming out to pursue top secret affairs with one or the other very hot mama, mostly of Puerto Rican descent.

Hot hot mamas talking excitedly: qjncdnoipipcproopjkuiokl (slight pause, they point at main actor, who is within ear shot)…jkevnernforiefoiefjeiome (they burst out into excited talk again)

Main actor: (Looks up from his newspaper, smiles wanly at the stunning ladies of foreign descent then he returns to his book…I mean newspaper)

(One mama leaves the pack, approaches main actor and asks if the seat next to him is taken)

Main actor: (reaches for his shades to protect his eyes from the dazzling hot bright mama…and she’s even not smiling yet. He puts on the shades, and finally looks up at her…she smiles. Damn! Now another set of shades is needed. Putting on a second pair would make him look local. Secret agents with as big a profile as his can never be caught looking local. So he just looks away…)

Hot Hot mama who has been standing so bootyingly close to main actor, she can feel his heat coming on: Oh sorry, do you a speaka English?

Usually calm-composed main actor: Me a speaka English. I mean, yes I do…(failing to look at her, all the rules, regulations, 101 things to do when you first see her, dummy’s quickie guide to doing it right, lessons from his boss at work, all that out the window…main actor breathing short fast breaths…he gives himself some quick mental slap to get the suaveness back)…Oh, that seats taken, my ego and I always use separate seats…but my lap is due for its mandatory weight lifting, come sit on my lap and we’ll discuss the first thing that pops up…(wicked wink, the slow deliberate variation)

Hot hot mama listening to all this talk, knowing from the way main actor’s lips are moving that it is intelligent, witty banter laced with lotsa innuendo, sexual and otherwise, but she just doesn’t get it: (blank stare)…

(3 seconds…5 seconds…10 seconds…Light bulb!!!)

Hot hot mama: I am going out on a limb here (long pause) but did you just invite me to take a seat on your lap?

Main actor: (Now noticing the hot hot mamas bright light fading…he removes his shades and stares at her)…(very heavily tempted to say Duh!!! and slap her for letting him waste such magnificent lyrics…that could have been a hit song woman. But then again, she’s of foreign descent…so he relaxes, and his rising palm eases its fast ascent to her cheek, and rests [squarely] on her [slight] shoulder)….Yes I did (drawing out every syllable)…

(And she proceeds to sit on his lap and they go on to discuss, in depth, the first thing that popped up)