Monday Massacres: Santa closed

This goodness is brought to you by:

It’s a season for red, and we aren’t exactly happy about that…so we are sponsoring this guy to put our yellow stuff out there…

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The conventional Santa has done his time. He is old, rugged, has weak lines (Ho ho ho?) and probably has a very low IQ. Honestly, what kind of guy lives in bloody cold weather all year, spends the entire year watching kids to see whether ‘they’ve been good’ and wears red all year round? The dude is always either with elves (which are as intelligent as goats) and reindeers. The dimwit. He even has names for his reindeers. Let’s put this into perspective…

Doperah (the wildly popular show that replaced Oprah. The show host is a struggling dope addict): Santa, it says here that you spend all year at the North Pole in the company of elves and reindeers

Santa: That’s right dope

Doperah: No Santa, you cannot abbreviate my name

Santa: Okay dope, I mean Doperah…Ho ho ho…I just made a joke

Doperah: Do you have any formal training in anything?

Santa: Aahhhh, not really…

Doperah: What do you do for fun?

Santa: I play with my animals…

Doperah: Do you touch your animals?

Santa: Of course I do…How else would I play with them? (scratching chin)

Doperah: So you touch your animals…the elves, the reindeers…you touch all of them. And do you enjoy touching them?

Santa: Ho ho ho…(belly boogies in sync with the laughter)..yes I do Doperah, I do

Doperah: So when you aren’t touching your animals, and enjoying it, what else do you do to get by?

Santa: Well Doperah, my job involves watching children to make sure that they are being good all year round. That way I can slide down their chimney on Christmas and leave them a present

Doperah: So all you do all year round is watch kids and touch animals?…no offence if I got the order wrong. It could be touch animals and then watch kids. There are claims that you are as racist as the XXX. Or is it KKK? Anyway, word has it that you only take presents to America, and the rest of the world you leave it to Madonna to adopt the kids

Santa: (starting to show signs of anger) How can anyone say such insulting things about me? That’s sodomy. I mean sedition. The truth is my reindeers do not really fly so…(gasps from the audience)

Santa: I mean…I mean…

(sensing that the old man is almost losing control of his bowels, calls for a short commercial break)

Doperah: Welcome back. We hope you enjoyed that sensual ad by Gildo, that new vibrating tool for that hot, know-it-all emancipated woman in your workplace. Now Santa, you were saying something before we broke off…

Santa: Yes Doperah…I was saying that my reindeers were brought up on a wussy regimen that didn’t harden their skin. They generally avoid all areas with people with strange accents, no cologne, no McDonalds, no democracy and slow internet connections. This naturally leaves the U S of A as the only area of operation. I however have plans to expand my operation with time; this year alone I’ve tried my hand at genetics to make these reindeers less wussy; I tried to get some Alsatians to you know, get jiggy with them but they didn’t quite hit it off. If these cross-mating things fail, I may have to start using commercial airlines rather than reindeers…I am in talks with the atlantic virgins to give me a good deal

Doperah: I think you mean virgin Atlantic

(blank stare)

Doperah: Okay Santa, it was great having you today…