Sleek and Wild

Monday massacres: Signing out…

The current Santa is a very fake guy, with a low IQ, and no training in any formal field, as Doperah’s interview showed us last week. And much as his usefulness has passed, (seeing as ‘The Big Day’ is out of the way and we are back to poverty and fornication), I feel that this is an opportunity for me to leave my mark on the world. I need to make a contribution. Mother Theresa style, or thereabouts. I think I’ll settle for ‘or thereabouts’. Somehow going to the ghetto to save the aching hearts there doesn’t seem so appealing right now. So, presenting the new Santas. The types that’ll bring the long-lost pomp back to X-mas. Starting next year that is. We are all tired(and rather scared) of that guy who wears red all year, and whose dimwit vocabulary is restricted to ‘Ho ho ho’… so, angst out of the way, presenting the new Santas:

SANTOS

Well Santos is short for Santiago. He is a Santa strictly for ladies. To the ladies who’ve been good all year (those who haven’t fantasized about boning their boss, or sweating it out with cute married workmate), Santos slips through their chimneys and drops highly energized gadgets that these ladies can make use of when they are alone. He leaves a phone number just in case the ladies need ‘how to’ instructions or just in case they want Santos himself. He has a steady job as a chef in a high profile restaurant so the ladies have to call after working hours. First serve basis depends entirely on the passport photo submitted.

SANTY

This vixen is a package strictly for the guys. And yes, she comes in red. No dude, she won’t slide down your chimney…it’ll ruin her nails. Because of her big heart (and her secret desire to win a Nobel Prize) she takes time off from the catwalk this time of year to do this Santa thing. To the guys who’ve been good all year (those who haven’t cheated more than once), Santy purrs at their door. When they open, she walks in and offers them a trick or a treat. When they finally usher her out 5-45 minutes later, the guys are always smiling, boner gone.

SANNY AND SANDY

This respectable married couple santas the kids. Originally from the Dominican Republic, this couple travels the world during Christmas spreading cheer, goodwill and of course presents to the children who’ve been good all year. (those who haven’t given their parents a heart attack, or drowned the cat, or drunk rat poison, or stuck  a bean in their nose, or cooked roaches, or pulled limb by limb off of  insects, or jumped off trees trying to fly with a towel  for a cape). All kids who pass these stringent conditions get themselves a Dominican Republic flag, and a toy of their choice. No knives. No ‘gaggles that can see under people’s clothes’. No ‘portions that can make a girl/boy like me’.

SPOOF SANTA

This guy is a phoney. I felt the need to include him here so you stand warned. And look out for him. And clobber him on sight. And use that pepper spray. He goes around offices saying ‘Whore whore whore’ to girls. And making come hither signals. And asking them to sit on his lap. And promising, with a sly wink,  to ‘slide down their chimney’. And saying that he’ll spank the bad girls. And saying that he has a big reindeer. And saying that the white hair is from all the angles he has had to work at. Bad santa. Bad santa.

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And to all who’ve visited sleekandwild this year, a year that saw Sleek quit procrastinating and actually start beating this here keyboard, spewing out this stuff, thank y’all…This week’s ish wasn’t sponsored coz I came clean and told the sponsor that the epilogue of the post would be raw emotional mumbo jumbo…so Sponsor recoiled, saying macho Sleek shouldn’t do any such stuff…

And yes, thanks to my sponsors…I’d still be here without you, but Thanks oh so much

I’ve loved doing these here massacres, thanks Erique for passing them on. Ima find a way to put digital strippers in this here stuff next year…(hi5 Normzo!)

2010,let’s rock this thing…!!!!

   December 28th, 2009    Monday Massacres...Bollocks