Winging

The year has started on an all-time low for Sleek and Wild. I think while the two were gorging all those niceties during the festive season, blogcks creeped in behind them…one second they were dancing in the rain, singing hallellujah in Russian, schmoozing with Anastasya and Valeriya (not in any way related to the Czar), and generally trying to take as many body shots of Vodka as possible… the next they were splayed out on the floor, uttering sentences only coherent to monks…and to certain animals. That’s not to say that monks speak animal…that’s not to say they do not.

The massacres took a hit…(heavy sigh) so sponsors are holding onto their purses…but even the lowest moments do have some good stuff. Guys, listen closely coz I’m going to whisper this, don’t want the ladies eavesdropping…Back off a bit, that’s too close GUG…now, I came into the possession of some high-end details on the best wingman on the market right now. This stuff will have you telling the ladies,

“Hey, stay in the queue and your turn’ll come. Stand in line woman, stand in line”

“Hey you! Hot mini skirt, low-cut top, luscious lips, oogy eyes, get back in the queue. I said get back in the queue! Lady, don’t make me….” (you trail off as she finally eases off and steps back into line)

(Sigh)…(you wipe your brow, steadying your humping heart beat.)

OFFTOPIC: Is that correct? Can one say ‘humping heart beat’? Doesn’t it bring to mind bad manners? Maybe, in the interest of all the youth that are here, we outta take that down. Let’s rephrase..

(you wipe your brow, steadying your excited heart beat)

Now, Alba, where were we? Yes, how did you beat the queue to get to me so fast? Nice little black dress by the way…what’s that? Ah yes, I love my goatee too…

I had to give you a picture of how good this wingman is. I know Mo hasn’t got it yet but that’s that…this wingman helps you skip most of  the preliminaries: No ‘meet the girlfriends’, no ‘holding hands at Rugby club’, no ‘reading poetry to each other’, no ‘watching Hentai together’…. However, you’ll still have to clean up your wardrobe and put in those pink shirts she bought you; wingman can only do so much.

Now, jumping straight in…this wingman is actually a…..(drumroll…)

Movie.

Shock. Awe. Finger-raising. You think I’ve ripped you off. Now, ignoring your angst, I’ll go ahead and say that Twilight, going by research done by www.twilight-as-a-wingman.com, that movie will get you more hits than the Beatles.  Women worldwide are gaga and giggle about this movie…so dude, use it as a bargaining chip.

You: “Honey, I’d like you to (insert appropriate perversion)”

Honey: “WTF!”(reaching for high heel, aiming for your already crooked nose from all the beat-downs)

You: “Boo, if you do not do (repeat appropriate perversion), I won’t let you watch Twilight for the 26^th time”

Please document your findings.

PS: My verdict on the movie? C.H.E.E.S.Y. And I can’t see how anyone can be attracted to someone that pale. I’d check for a pulse first. There will be more vitriol on this topic…(deathly soundtrack as writer picks up his pen and limps out of the dark room)

PPS: It is assumed, by Writer, that you know what a wingman is. If by some stroke of nature-doing-bad-manners-to-itself, you do not know, then google is your friend.

PS: (Hush, I know I already did a PS)Writer has depicted a violent, dysfunctional couple in this article. Writer does not encourage such stuff. Violence, it is bad.