Rastapunzel

You’d be surprised at just how far sending fan-mail can get you. I know, Ussain Bolt didn’t get back to me on whether we are related or not, and Keri Hilson also kept her lips sealed on whether I inspired that ‘Turning me on’ track of hers. The bad-girl. How can she leave me here guessing? But recently, one individual got back to me. I liked his movie, Avatar, so so much…I know, it had no sex scene but that’s not the point here. So I bothered the guy into telling me about his next movie. He first jam. Naturally. So I bothered him some more. Then, finally, he budged. James and I have since been sending fan mail back and forth.

Presenting his next movie, Rastapunzel. It is very loosely based on that Rapunzel story, you know girl with long hair lets it down and prince charming climbs onto it and they do bad manners and live happily ever after . But with a unique twist (as with all James’s movies). In Rastapunzel, a Rastafarian will star as modern-day Rapunzel; only with dreadlocks (and not “long-flowing blonde hair”), and he’d have a deep voice; also, there’d be no Prince charming, or princess charming for that matter. There’d be a pack of broads and every night, the guy’d have to sit at his window and comb his hair (ya, dandruff and all) and on each night, a different broad would ask (smiling sweetly, shyly, eyes blinking ever so innocently) “Hey Rastapunzel, could I climb into your room, using your hair, so we can play?”. To which he’d reply, “Broad number (inserts number), I’d be delighted to have you for a playmate. Oooh I love playmates. Shall we shag now or shag later?” And then he’d quickly let the previous broad out through the back window (no hair, just gives her a slight nudge and tells her to take a leap of faith) before letting the next one climb in. The suspense of the movie is in trying to figure out if he’d actually fall for one of the broads.

And the movie has environmental-awareness undertones. For example, all the broads do not wear fur coats. In fact, there’s a line where one of the broads, while happily skipping towards Rastapunzel’s home, says, “I do not wear fur coats. Or bras. I’m natural. I love nature.” Then the camera zooms in on her shoulder, and then on her bosom to illustrate the aforementioned facts. The camera lingers on the bosom, just to make sure we, the lusty audience, know just how natural the broad is. And all the while she’s skipping. Skip. Skip. Skip.

Ahh, great movie. Modern-day Casanova if you ask me, or Rastanova. I came up with that one on my own. Of course Rastapunzel’s hair fell-out after broad number 8, leaving him bald and scarred, and in the movie, police arrest the star for gross-acts to women. It is set to be released in a women-charged atmosphere, showing female cops assaulting and battering the Rastapunzel character for his deeds amidst wild cheers from fellow estrogen-laden individuals. Surprisingly some of the estrogen-laden individuals were guys. Two of them actually. Complete with…(sigh) let’s not go there, your imagination can only take so much.

So, I told James I’d blog about his next piece, just so we (him and I) can get a feel of what the audience has to say. A blockbuster, superblockbuster, super x 1000 blockbuster or what? Your thoughts.