Code burning red

The LAN at work is down. Now, what are the possible causes? Sherlock Holmes at your service, let’s get to the bottom of this:

POSSIBLE CAUSE ONE:

Security guard, after that strong cup of coffee in the wee hours of the morning, felt an overwhelming urge to go do the wee wee. So walk. Walk. Can I wee wee here? No, dogs are watching. Walk. Walk. Skip. Can I wee wee here? No, big buxom lady is getting it from that dude over there. Walk. Walk. Lemme wee wee here. Wait! Big buxom lady was….oh God! And I didn’t stay to watch…oh God! Lemme wee wee here and get back and watch…Weeeeee weeeeee(for long)…ah drat! Some computer…oh sh!t. oh f*ing sh!t…I think I just wee weeed these guys’ server to the afterlife…Now they’ll walk in and one whiff of my urine will tell the investigators that I did it…oh drat! Gotta remove all evidence. Lemme pour some water to neutralize the urine smell in the PC…

POSSIBLE CAUSE TWO:

Lay-around employee notices boss isn’t looking. Boss is busying himself at his desk. Boss is bustling around. Pushing his weight around. Doing belly-ups. Suuuuck belly in, puuuushhh belly out. Sigh. Then do it again. Suuuuck belly in. Puuush belly out. Great for getting trim belly in some time. Boss taken up so lay-around employee takes golden opportunity to open www.http://(deleted by author,but about Britney).com. So he opens. Crap! Wrong address. No eye candy. It should be http://www.(again, deleted by author, but about Celine Dione).com. Oh nice. Nice photo. Nice angle. Oh nice. Eh, what’s this here; look at that…oh, look at that…how do people get into these positions? Amazing…oh what’s this? “You are the first person to cum to this site. Click for here you prize”. Oh, some typos. But I’ll click nonetheless.  Click. Nothing. Double-click. One more time. Double-click. LAN goes down.

POSSIBLE CAUSE THREE:

Heavy-set, middle-aged, suit-wearing, suave-looking Italian man walks into our office. Walks up to our hot receptionist.

(In heavily accented English) Italian man: Hey there pretty receptionist, beautiful day today.

Receptionist: Indeed. How may I help you?

Italian man: I’m here to… (Long boring, though tending towards stimulating conversation)

(Much later, after I’ve taken a leak)

Italian man: (raised voice, agitated) What do you mean ‘people like us’? Do you think that just because I am a heavy-set, middle-aged, suit-wearing, suave-looking Italian man, that I’m Mafioso? I’ll teach you to be less racism (sic)

(drawing magnum, running round the office screaming while firing…aaarrrghhhh,kuchuchchcucuchch(gun going off)…)…LAN goes off.