Monday Massacres: Down and Darry

These massacres today are brought to you entirely by my brain. No sponsor. Let’s just say things have been very involving lately. All prospective sponsors this time round wanted me to do thangs for them. But I turned them down. I think next time I’ll give in.  Good reading..lovely week.

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Weenies!

Yes sir!

Today, you learn to play the men’s game!

Yes sir!

Many of you have been doing ballet, wearing pink, reading mills and boon and watching movies with Lindsay Lohan in them…

(Blank stares)

Today, today you get liberated. Today I break your chains…the chains that have you bound, holding you back from crossing that thick line to manhood. Today, you learn to play rugby.

(Wild cheers…)

Today, I pass on knowledge I have gathered from painful years of experience. Aching muscles, broken limbs, twisted jaws, insomnia, delusion, twisted vision, misplaced teeth…that’s the life all my opponents have gotten used to. Weenies, the game has been a breeze for me…

(Excited murmurs at hearing about my brilliance)

Now, the first thing you’ll ever need to learn on pitch…learn how to pass the ball. When you see grit teeth, a heated animal charging at you like you said something unflattering about his mother…yes, Pass The Ball (PTB). Preferably to someone bigger than you…and cheer as he rams into the animal. Do not cheer if he gets a concussion. Say the appropriate ‘Hey Fatso, I am going to tear you apart!’ to the animal responsible for the concussion. And no, it’s not your fault that your team mate got hit real bad, he coulda passed the ball too you know. Why was he feeling a superman eh? Running into animals like that…and for the rest of the game, avoid making eye contact with the animal. He may send book you a bed and a feeding tube in the hospital.

Never pause in a game; you’ll only draw attention to yourself and the ball would be passed to you…not nice. Stay in motion, keep shouting, preferably some incoherent stuff…

Always look out for the smallest/slowest/weakest guy on pitch. These are always there, unless you are playing against the Springboks. If you do not know who the Springboks are, please forget all the other beautiful knowledge I have passed on, stand up and leave this place. Make sure the door does not hit you on your way out. Actually, I hope it does…(A number of weenies shuffle out)

Yes, on identifying the weakest link in the other team, get the ball, charge at him with the vengeance of three rabid dogs (yes, three…any more would be too many) and make sure you knock him down, hard. When done, dust yourself off and do rule one, Pass The Ball.

Now, some wise words on how to tackle. As evil as the word sounds, tackling is an art form in the league of wine-tasting. It requires skill, great timing, huge arms, lotsa brawn, and a gallant cry that is let out when the tackle is done…I do not have any of these things, save for a magnificent gallant cry. So, how do I do it? Weenies, listen coz I’ll only say this great stuff once…

(weenies lean in to listen)

Now your brawny buddy will teach you how to look out for that split-second when your opponent’s legs are next to each other, and dive for them right then so as to take the goon down. Me, your brainy buddy, I’ll tell you this: wait till your opponent has JUST passed you, and then dive. Do a magnificent dive, and mid-air, spin, slow-down, turn a bit, do those slow-motion things that camera tricks do, and then let out your gallant cry just before you hit the ground. When you finally stand up, stamp the ground in anger and let everyone know how that guy survived.

Weenies, that concludes your Rugby 101 short course. There’s an appendix here about what to do when you are almost making a try, but I doubt you guys will need that. I see your blank looks…well, technically, a try is to rugby what a goal is to football. Though in rugby, when a try is scored, there’s no unruly jumping, throwing shirts in the air, grown men hugging and smiling effusively like toddlers in a candy store…no, here we just shake hands as team-mates and say ‘Nice try’, the irony of the statement notwithstanding.   In the very strange event that you make a try, stay calm, say thanks to your team-mates and if there’s a camera crew around, make it a point to dedicate the try to someone. ‘I dedicate this try to all my O.G’s who knew me when I was broke. Much love. Beer on me, this Saturday, Nalongo has a drink-up.’