Bend it

PPPS: PIFF rocked. That party, so nice. Thanks you cool PIFF guys. And 27th, thanks for that tip. It worked. 27th is a bad boy(cue some music)

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I hate our ads. Apart from those written by Streets and Erique. I hate our ads. They are that fly buzzing above your head as you take a dump. They are that conductor who tells you that he has no change. They are that douchebag tea-lady who spills tea on you on Monday morning. I hate our ads. But I’m too nice to complain without bringing to fruition better thangs. Sleek ads galore…

Cooking oil ad:

(cccsssshhhhhhh-cooking sound)…(ka ka ko ka-someone walking into kitchen)

Someone: mmmapph,yam yum,..I like that smell. Its smells so nice. So so nice. Jimmy, what are you using to cook your food?

Jimmy(briefly stops cooking): Imelda, I’m using xxx beer. It’s all the flavor you need.

Bank ad:

Dear listener, come and we keep your money. You come. Please you come. While you while your days away, worried about your networth, we’ll take your money, use it, get rich and give you a tiny portion of what we make. We’ll go out of our way to put hot tellers at our counters to please your eyes. And your hands…NAT!! No touching, at all…world bank policy, though its not effected in the white house(whispers) come to think of it, that place needs a no smoking ban too..

Ante-natal ad:

Are u pregnant? You are? Are you sure? Does your man know about it? Speak louder…does he? Then how do you plan to raise the byaby? Do you know Chaka Demus? Do you like his music? Do you think your baby’ll like his music? Not sure? Let’s find out…(dundu, duuundudu, dundu, duuuundududu-Chaka Demus beat playing in the background)…Did u feel any movements in your general belly area? Or slightly lower?(cough) or slightly higher?(clears throat)…or you felt nothing? Nothing? Come for ante-natal checkup. This announcement is brought to you by Bono. And our government. In a collabo. One time.

Food ad:

You want rolex? (Queue picture of thin man, hand-on-cheek…)You sure you want rolex? Why do you want it? Is there a shortage of chips/beef in your area? Or do the chip seller’s slimy hands put you off? (PS: It can’t be ‘chips seller’s slimy hands’, too many s’s. We are lisp-sensitive here).

How badly do you want our rolex? Our yummy rolex…non-crunchy, sumptuous, full-of-good-things, mouth-drenching rolex…come get it. (Queue picture of formerly thin man now fat, scratching belly and walking with pomp with a bevy of giggling young ladies following him)…

Clarification: A rolex here refers to that mixture where they get a chapati and a fried egg and put them in a tight bundle together. And its sold to us to eat. We do not refer to that watch made by those Jamaicans. Don’t sue us.