Monday Massacres: Dutty love

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We’ve heard this phrase over and over again. In songs. Many songs actually. Dutty love. And like the faithful, we sing along. I took time off to do some heavy investigations into the meaning of this phrase ‘dutty love’.

To aid my investigations, I had to choose between Sean Paul and Sean Kingston, both frequent users of the phrase. Not a hard choice actually.

Dutty love is when brave, brawny, sweaty fighter shoots an entire village in his quest to rescue damsel. He shoots. Sweats. Reloads. Shoots. Says some heavy fighter words. Like “I kill you. Really, I kill you”. And then he runs off doing even more shooting. Then he finally gets to the leader of the weasels who have his damsel captive. He aims to fire, and the gun jams. The beefy leader also aims a gun at him and it too jams. So they drop the guns. And they stare each other deep in the eye ball. Eye balls lock. Time stands still. The birds stop chirping. Other birds stop making out. Dry leaves drop to the ground.

Our hero: “Give me the girl and all this will go away. No one else has to get hurt”

Leader of pack that has girl captive: (He doesn’t have too big a vocabulary) muhahahahahaha

Our Hero: I said give me the girl and I won’t hurt any of you

Leader of the pack that has the girl captive: I said muhahahaahah

Our hero moves menacingly towards the leader. By now a small crowd of villagers has started to gather, to see the faceoff. These are the villagers that our hero didn’t kill during his wild gun-totting on his way to meet the leader in this standoff they are in now.

(Side Poll: Don’t you find it odd that villagers would go out of their way to go watch a fight between the two grown men in our story? Don’t they have anything better to do with their time? See, Big Brother All Stars does have some upsides…if those villagers had it, they wouldn’t even give this face-off any attention. Only the village livestock would be witness. The happy villagers would be glued to their TV sets, on Big Brother, watching how grown men and women go through the stages of courting, listening to the life-changing things that these people pass onto us, seeing first hand what dreadlocks can do for a guy, learning how useful it is to be overly active and talkative, even when you don’t really have much to say. Just say ‘I do not have much to say. But…’ and then launch a monologue. Though you wouldn’t call it a monologue; that word means bad manners in Uganda. Ok, so watch Big Brother ya? Ok)

Our hero keeps moving menacingly towards the leader. He gets to him and the fight that we’ve all been waiting for throughout this post begins. They fight. And they fight. Punch. Blow. Kick. Lost tooth (it flies very very slowly out of the mouth of the leader, he makes an arghh sound, and we see some small drops of blood fly in slow motion after the tooth. They both land at about the same time some distance off. The camera focuses on them for a few minutes then we get back to the fighters). More punches. Out of nowhere, a round kick. Leader is down. Hero is standing over him.

“Where is she? Where is she?” he screams

“I don’t know”

Hero raises his hand

“Ok ok ok. I’ll tell you. She’s in the room at the back.”

Hero punches him. It’s lights out. Hero walks off to find the room at the back. The villagers clear his path. He walks. Kicks the door open. Rushes towards the room at the back. He is both excited and apprehensive; will she still love him in this state? He kicks open the door of the room at the back. And there she is doing bad manners with someone else. That’s dutty love.

As told by Sean Paul