Sleek and Wild » true stuff

Monday Massacres: 2012

Sleek — Mon, 02 Jan 2012 07:16:46 +0000

Welcome back to regular programming. To the UGgrind. To the hustle. To the mad dashes to work before showering. What will happen this year? Will you become rich and famous? Will super dip and cool cool bar come back into production? Will fuel become so cheap, we can start frying pancakes with it? Will more money be thrown around by another person but this time at a bar you are in? I have an analyzed the data my trusted super computer, Mashonda, has collected and I present to you the things that will surely happen this year.

Electricity

In March, the government will unveil its up-till-then top-secret plan to power the entire nation by providing power wheels to all households. Inspired by the heavy running done by hamsters, these wheels will allow members of a household to power their house simply by running.

We gat the power!

Naturally, this means that while some sit and watch TV, one person will have to do the running. Since ‘Going to the Gym’ is top on many people’s list of resolutions they won’t keep, this baby will deliver on that promise. Kipsiro’s household is excited.

Elections

Unlike last year, we will not have presidential elections this year.

Road discipline

Cars will still be driven on the left side of the road. This won’t change.

Weather

There will be rain on some days. And it will be hot on other days. And there will be even more rain on some other days.

Boda bodas

Boda boda riders will still ride like they are what popped out when Satan got a hand-job.

Man on the moon

Much as several hours will be spent toying with this idea we will not send a man to the moon.

Aliens

There will be an alien invasion. A few people will get anal probes

Happy new year. Stay Legendary

Monday Massacres: For Your Village Friend

Sleek — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 05:24:35 +0000

We are a third world country…so we all have that friend from the village. The one who mixes up l’s and r’s, pokes their nose, can’t use cutlery and can’t seem to sit still around shinny silverware. If, God-forbid, no name has come to mind MY FRIEND, then you are the friend from the village. Nothing to be ashamed of…we’ve all had our village moment. NAT. Of course if you are from the village then the ‘NAT’ was lost on you.

Anyway, one of the major challenges of being the friend from the village, I imagine, is that no one tells you how things in town work. No one is kind enough to sit you down and give you ‘the talk’. Luckily for you, I haven’t lost the soft, mushy, teary side of me yet. Friend from the village, here is how things in town work.

Tapped water

This is like water from the well, only that it comes to you. Imagine a well which you don’t have to go to…it comes to you! I know, neat uh? Only thing is, when done using it, you actually have to switch off the well. I know, weird! Tell me about it…anyway, so yeah, you use the well and then switch it off…and then walk away. You can’t stay there staring at it

This is pretty neat

There’s this pretty neat thing that you press squiggly buttons on and voila, you see people doing all sorts of things! And I mean all…sorts…of…things (slow heavy wink). Pressing buttons is easy…picture yourself using your thumb to annihilate an overfed termite. So you press and suddenly you see small people inside it jumping around, and making noises like “…andutttuuuuuu…”

You’ll be shocked at first but trust me, when that wears off, you’ll be an addict. Now here’s the neat part…how do those people get in there? Well when people get to a certain age and feel they are ready, they go to China. There, they are fed a certain medicine and voila, they reduce to a certain height and can fit in your TV comfortable without fidgeting.

Food

Here in town, we don’t use hoes to get food…or whores for that matter. Ahhaha, I just made a joke. Ah my bad, forgot you wouldn’t get it. Ok, so here, we walk into places and pick the food off shelves and then pay for it…or pick it off the shelves and if no one notices, leave with it, promising yourself that you’ll return to pay when you have the money to pay for it.

Some uses of big bags

Pick-up lines

Here we don’t say ‘Herro, youaro burriful. Cum n wigo and you produce forr me samo beibes’ to a pretty girl as soon as we meet her. See here for tips.

Monday Massacre: Fear Factor

Sleek — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 23:17:42 +0000

Your time spent skipping around the interwebs has made you very knowledgeable about how many phobias are out there. For example, you know that Ablutophobia is the fear of bathing, washing, or cleaning. Take some seconds off to give all your friends suffering from this a sympathetic pat on the butt. You didn’t learn about the following phobias probably because your mummy called you to go downstairs and take evening tea.

Can't.Do.This

Strakiphobia: The fear of being left alone in a room with just enough electricity to power only the television set and with the TV having just enough Chinese functionality to display only one station,WBS and with that station broadcasting only one thing-re-runs of ‘the best of Straka’. Her in slow motion, the camera zooming in, her doing stunts, stunt doubles doing stunts as her, her doing curtwheels…the works.

Bodibodiphobia: The fear of taking a boda boda ride and getting to your destination, pulling out your note to pay and being told by the rider that he has no change; there is no one in sight save for a stray dog staring curiously at a crossword puzzle in an old newspaper on the ground

Raisophobia: The fear of asking your boss for a raise and being told that it will be given to you if you can run the marathon in under thirty minutes.

Iyanophobia: The fear of electricity going off just as you lay your clothes on the ironing table

Taxiphobia: The fear of the taxi not stopping when you tell it to…and dragging on several meters from the target spot even when you yelled ‘masaawo’ a whole 200 meters to the spot

Potipotiphobia: The fear of hitting a pothole and feeling the car gasp and your dinner from the previous night debate on whether to get re-launched into the world from the front or the back

Kalooliphobia: The fear of a kalooli shitting on you as you walk past Constitutional square, or (insert one of the gazillion places the birds nest)…

Queuephobia: The fear of being in a queue for two hours and getting to the front only to be told that you were supposed to be in a different queue altogether

localdophobia: The fear of going out with someone of the opposite sex only to discover how local they are.

Oh Brother, Where Art Cow?

Sleek — Thu, 17 Nov 2011 12:11:48 +0000

A leading daily has reported that 100 cows belonging to the head of state and foreign affairs minister were stolen. The Rapid Response Unit (RRU) picked up some people and is currently holding them for their suspected involvement in the theft. While the RRU RRUshed to the scene of the crime to capture suspects, we rushed to interview the surviving cows on their account of what really went down. We found them mooing in hushed tones, un-willing to speak to anyone with less than four stomachs.

Nope, they didn’t budge when we sent her either.

The cows did that thing girls do to that girl who shows up at a fancy event in a dress like hers; pretend they aren’t there. This did not put us off; we needed to bring you the news at all costs. We held our microphones in place, refusing to budge; Agg-rey El-Che would break the monotony by wiping drool off his mouth. He later confessed that teats do that to him.

Finally one of the cows walked away from the pack in a huff; “If they won’t rreave us arrone, we mightas werro terro ‘em the goddamn story” he said in a drawl, as he lumbered towards us.

ULK: Nice that you could join us errr….

Cow: …Jones…MOOre Jones. What can I do you for? (Though judging by the lack of teats, and Agg-rey’s reduced drooling, this was clearly a bull)

ULK: We were wondering if you could tell us what went down…

MOOre Jones: Well it was a classical case of love at lust fight…

ULK: Err…Do you mean love at first sight?

MJ: Mooooo…(nodding vigorously) I mean what I said. Let me tell you…

(Ambles closer, lowers voice)

Well, it was that season when we drop everything to do the monkey dance. The jungle boogie. You know, leave chewing cud, let the enzymes in our stomachs settle and focus all our energy on (adopts Barry White tone) maaking luurrvvee. Kutesa’s cows had come over to participate in what was going to be an epic mooorrrggy…we’d flown in Prossy the Slutty cow for initial entertainment, then as soon as the lights go out-since it was our day of 24-hour load shedding-we’d start the chawin….

(Disapproving coughs from the other cows…)

(MJ looks back at his buddies. Decides to skips that detail…)

Prossy the Slutty Cow

So we are starting to get busy when all of a sudden we hear these noises of approaching humans….

They were screaming that they wanted some presidential teat…

No dung?

Monday Massacres: How To Be Famous

Sleek — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 06:55:53 +0000

Up until now, the social structure has made you measure your popularity among your peers by how much money you have, how sinewy your biceps are (for the guys. No girl I spoke to during the research confirmed finding her beefy girlfriends popular) or generally how much you can stuff down in five minutes when visiting your in-laws without them noticing. Those may all be true, but below are some things that determine how popular you’ll be among your peers. Naturally, your peers don’t tell you these things since they want to be popular alone. I only reveal them to you because I think you think I have Keri Hilson on speed dial, have big biceps and can stuff down an entire platter of baby sausages in under five minutes when visiting in-laws without them noticing.

Sport

The more athletic you are, the more popular you’ll be. If all sport fails, try thumb wrestling. No one will know how good you are at it till they see you beat everyone. Thumb wrestle the conductor in the taxi when he asks for your fare. The driver even; do it when he stops to pick-up a female passenger in gladiator shoes and shades as she slowly moves to the parked taxi. It’ll take her twelve minutes. That is enough time for you to wrestle three wins from the taxi driver’s thumb.

What did you call me eh?

Hair

Do you know why Katt Williams and Donald Trump are so popular? India Arie lied. They are their hair. Get a funky hairstyle and you’ll be so popular, you’ll need a PA.

Right on!

The Doc

Have you noticed how popular doctors are? How girls in clubs scream themselves hoarse and throw panties at them yelping “OMGomgOMGomgOMG!! It’s the docturrr!!!!” (More panties) “The freakin doocctttuurrr!!! Treat me!!” (Hurling themselves at the doc)

I got the prick

You may want to strongly consider becoming one; overnight celebrity status awaits you.

Monday Massacres: The Things In Movies That Aren’t True

Sleek — Tue, 01 Nov 2011 06:19:31 +0000

This particular piece is for the younger readers. Dear fairly old reader, most of the stuff you’ll read here will seem slightly obvious. I’d recommend taking a cup of tea if I was sure you had sugar. But I’m not. So yes, back to you dear young reader; many times you find yourself tired of arguing with your friends about how the ailing socio-economic situation cannot be alleviated by gross external funding. You argue for hours on end but finally agree to let the matter lie and you all head to the cinema to watch a movie. Movies are places to let your eyeballs experience all kinds of awesome things. Flying objects, broken hearts, speeding cars and busty damsels all make your eyeballs thank you, their owner, over and over again. A word of caution young one; not all those things are true. I know, I know, hard pill to swallow. I’m here to let you know what isn’t true in those movies you watch.

Slow motion

There is no such thing as things slowing down enough for one to see a blow approach. In real life, real blows come at you very fast. One minute you are arguing, the next you are flat on the ground muttering some things about mars. No.Slow.Motion.

Not based on reality

Fights against many people are not always won by doing a single round kick

There’s always a scene in movies where the well-paid, well-known star is surrounded by a mob of angry people who all want to beat him/her up. He/she usually jumps and delivers a single round kick that fells all of them. There is no such thing in real life. In the real world, if you are surrounded by angry people, chances are you are going to be beaten-up and undressed. Or undressed and then beaten up.

Vampires and X-Men

These do not exist. Conductors with poor hygiene do. Thieving politicians do. Lady Gaga does. She does come close, but no, she isn’t an X-(wo)man. Vampires live forever. In the real world though, no one alive today was around when Shaka Zulu was going round impaling people.

Dental floss ad

Car chases

There’s always a fast-paced car chase in all movies worth putting on your eyeball schedule. For some reason, the speeding cars always go through markets and knock down stalls. In real life young friend, car chases end in mangled metal, broken limbs and death. When the police flags you down, do not say a bad word and speed off. Car chases are only rosy in the movies. Here, the first pothole will trap your vehicle.

Also, this is the last Massacre in this edition of ULK. Pre 4.11.11. In between the oil and black money, a lot has changed here at our headquarters. See you on Friday.

Monday Massacres: Black Monday

Sleek — Mon, 24 Oct 2011 06:13:16 +0000

Last week, news was everywhere about how a charitable soul had been taken captive by the powers that be. Bad Black aka Latifah Nalukenge aka Shanita Namuyimbwa was arrested. I took the weekend off to do some in-depth research into where this ‘young’ lady might have gotten all this money she’s been hitting people with. I present to you my meticulous findings; as you read on, you’ll realize how smug and happy I am about my findings.

Undercover FBI agent

Ladies and gentlemen, it is possible that the young lady was an undercover FBI agent. Judging by her name (Bad Black?), her build, the energy she’d use when hurling huge bundles of notes at people, the nimbleness she had on dance floors and how much time she spent under covers, it is highly likely that this lady was trained by a top undercover outfit. It is my submission, ladies and gentlemen, that she was on a covert mission to find out the effects of free crisp currency on a third world individual.

Genie

Many times folks upcountry come across oil lamps; many of these folks haven’t watched Aladdin or any of these awesome animated films that have genies in them so naturally, they don’t know how to react. Some kick them. Others rub them only twice. Latifah on the other hand, was a smart girl. After a hard day in the field tilling the land, she found an oil lamp and knew just what to do and how to do it. She rubbed the lamp so well, the genie moaned endlessly, begging her not to stop. He then offered her four wishes. She wished for world piece and ‘many money’. I have no idea what the other wishes were. As knowledgeable as I am on the matter, I wasn’t there dear reader.

Tada!! All that many money is yours

Road trade

Have you noticed how all our neighbors have better roads than us? Well it is possible that by day, Bad Black was a peaceful, sweet singing citizen with pigtails. By night however, she’d change into a black costume and export bits of our roads to neighboring nations. This explains why we have as many potholes as her dollar bills.

Maybe she worked hard. Have you stopped and thought about just how much you’d have if you worked very hard? That ‘young’ lady is an icon; the true definition of ‘hard work pays’. When she gets out and pays me for setting the record straight, all your sniggering will stop. But my part is to look at all the possibilities; another legend has the 411…the real info. He talked to the horse’s mouth. He’ll publish the real stuff shortly.

More here: ULK

Monday Massacres: Here’s the 411

Sleek — Wed, 19 Oct 2011 04:02:38 +0000

It was a very hectic weekend here at the ULK headquarters, one that saw the back door kicked in and many of our top secret documents smudged with a gooey, oil-like substance, rendering the docs useless. All of you who were running scared because of how much information we had on you can now breathe easier. Even the mandazi that Nansikombi brings in the morning was unusually oily. No one was physically hurt by the attack but the Streetsider now walks with a pimp stick, just in case. That said, I am here with the 411. The kashoogidemagwan. You may have heard rumors about 411.11. I now take you on a journey through history; what momentous events have taken place on this auspicious day?

4.11. 52 BC

Early man is hunting an antelope. He gains ground, hurls his spear and it misses but ruffles a lion that was stalking the same prey. Lion turns and chases early man. He runs, sees a dead-end, picks up a stone and hurls it at the lion. Stone misses lion, but hits a rock and the massive sparks cause a fire. Lion eats early man. His buddy who was watching all this uses the knowledge to take the props for ‘discovering fire’.

It is 4.11 innit?

4.11.1534

Prince charming is finally set to take on the dragon. He has ridden for 3 years, 9 months, 2 days to reach the castle where the princess he’s supposed to marry has been held captive by a vicious fire-breathing dragon. Brave man Prince charming, in his chunky armor and on his tired white horse. He draws his sword and slashes the last bushes to the castle out of the way, all the time poised to jump off and stab the dragon. Bated breath. Bated breath. He un-mounts his horse, Armagiddion. A screaming toddler runs into his shin, pauses, and runs off. Baffled, he follows the toddler into an opening. There, before his very own eyes, is princess-he-was-supposed-to-marry, not pretty anymore, but pretty pregnant. And with 3 rug rats running around. Turns out the dragon had died of a cold 2 years back, and she’d married the evil overLord, taken in his seed and brought forth the little cretins running around.

4.11.1845

Two slaves accidentally kiss while working on the plantation. Their massa doesn’t see this go down. They enjoy the stolen kiss and pursue matters further. Megan Good’s great great great grandparents are conceived.

4.11.1858

John Speke finds a lake surrounded by black people and goes ahead to discover it.

4.11.1969

Neil Armstrong takes a few normal steps on the moon and insists they are big leaps for mankind

4.11.1983

Michael Jackson invents the moonwalk while backing into an alley to avoid screaming female fans.

4.11.1998

Bill Clinton insists he did not have sexual relations with that woman.

4.11.2010

Mila Kunis does the first take of that scene in Black Swan. Her and her partner in the scene went on to do 15 takes, some off camera.

4.11.11

ULK celebrates first anniversary. Legendary Party goes down at Boda Boda. House of DJs brings the house down. The Top 10 Legends of Kampala are there. You yourself you are there in person to witness for yourself. J.K Rowling watches proceedings on YouTube and releases international best seller, “Harry Potter and the Legendary Party that rocked”.

More here.

How To Join A Choir

Sleek — Wed, 12 Oct 2011 06:39:11 +0000

Many of you have carefully considered joining a choir. You regularly sit by your radio set, listening to Steve Jean, hugging yourself and singing along word for word. This thirst for the choir-thing-in-life shouldn’t go unquenched. Here at ULK, we are in the benevolent habit of making dreams come true. And with the festive season around the corner, there’s no better time to join a choir and make a joyful noise. Let’s get you into that choir.

Eat raw eggs

These things have a high carcinoweednicotine level that is ideal for tweaking vocal chords and aligning your vocal range with that of Mariah Carey. In no time, you’ll be singing buddies with Jackie Chandiru. This tip is particularly for all the cool ladies who read ULK. If you are a guy and you run off after reading the first few lines, chances are you are now sound like Mariah. Uummm…there ought to be some freaky girls who are into that kinda thing.

Drink for choir champeeyans

Listen to Bieber

When you first play that young man’s music, your initial reaction will be to scream and pull at your hair. The screaming will have the awesome effect of permanently affecting your esophagus, turning you from a goat into a sweet soprano ready for the flowing choir robes and a position in the front-row. We all know that people only wink at choir members in the front row. FACT.

Lift weights

Hit the gym and continuously lift the heaviest thing in there. Depending on the gym, the heaviest thing in there could be some fancy shiny dumb bells…or the gym instructor. The strain of the lifting will put stress on your vocal chords, and they’ll contract. We all know that contracted vocal chords produce sweet melodies.

Monday Massacres: The Mourning After Pill

Sleek — Mon, 10 Oct 2011 04:55:38 +0000

It is hard to write with tears in your eyes. I last cried this much when the neighbor’s cat ate my rabbits. Who does that? Which self-respecting cat leaves the milk and nkeje at home and goes and eats rabbits at the neighbors? So we took on Kenya over the weekend and the barren match meant we didn’t qualify for the Africa Cup of Nations. We gave them electricity, visas, some of our women, even alcohol and in return, all we needed was a goal. Just one. All their defender had to do was send a shot into their goal and then say “Oops! Nimefanya nini?” We’d all get it.

But then again, I’ve shared amazing soccer insights here before (click) but it seems no one listens to me. There’s a story about a Ugandan guy building a space shuttle…I think as a nation, we should put our general behind on that guy. When we finally get to space, we’ll kick alien ass…we’ll definitely beat them at soccer. Then, we’ll be Galaxy Champions. African champions ni nini? Sisi, Galaxy Champeyans! I can already see the flashing neon lights and the grubby blue groupie hands of the 5-eyed fans… “Uganda: Soccer Kings of the Galaxy.” All you’d have to say on Mars to get laid is “I’m Ugandan” and then the 5-eyed, 3-armed blue beauty would drool and lead you to a private wing.

Can you imagine we are Ugandans' bitches now?

That said, my buddies at ULK have something big lined up for you in the next few weeks…you’ll forget all the heartbreak of failing to launch. The elves are hard at work, heaving, flexing, and all will be unveiled shortly…Keep your eyes peeled. Not teary.